today after seeing sth, seems I am quite sure about my own feeling now, because kind of feel my emotoin and clear about sth within me and understand sth, now have one more thing away from my mind quite good, haha, just a feeling of best fd, after making this clear feel more better, and more sure about feeling to another one

normally when I see sth I will be quite emotional and react quite horribly but nth special feeling this time

so now so far 2 things totally out of my mind one if a club another one is the thing that I wonder recently

care less, is a good thing,

ignore conflicts that none of my business which people believe things wrongly,

ignore those who can't see the truth,

ignore those who believe in rumors,

ignore those who just look at short term,

ignore those who spread rumors 

and

ignore those those who judge people by apperance

can say I am hiding from things but it will just make my situation even worse, so I prefer to have my heart dead and make the conflict to be the less, anger and revenge, not reli is my style now, was my style long time ago only, now I will jsut choose to ignore

reli tired on those stupid 'wars'

I do things already assume that dont' have any reward, I just do things that I want to do and i tihnk I should do but at last even worse, haha, I get back is to be treated badly by peoplem, that's not the first time and I am quite familiar with the thing already

the first time I maybe sad or unhappy but after several times, that's nth for me anymore

我好累

甚麽也不想去想

我真的身心俱疲了, 好想處於六道之外

是時侯休息, 不再說話, 不再去看, 不再去想, 做一隻別人說甚麼就做甚麼的綿羊吧

再見了主見, 我的腦袋, 我的好友, 你已夠傷, 為不關你的事夠痛了, 好好地休息吧, 心也為了逃避而關上大門, 口也決定調校至靜音

沉沉的長眠, 一切也與我再無關係

in my life I hate my fds lie to me and betray me

but is that I have too high expectation of my fds? shoudl I not to get angry that easy and control my temper?

a rumor is being spread strongly now on I like a girl, truely speaking I am jsut in a stage of confusion, 3 girls, one girl important for me another one person that I like since high school another girl can say I enjoy talking with her a lot

but sometimes I don't understand what people think, they like imagine and spread things in their brain without any thinking the effect it could bring. When I first sense that and confirm what's going on actually, I really get angry and don't want to talk with that specific person anymore, others say that I dont' reli care but one of my best fd who I thought she is talk about it made me reli angry, and specially knowing the reason for why she spread it

but isn't that a long time I didn't substitute my feeling in others view I forget how's other feel? these 2 days think about it maybe she dont' know what to talk about so just find some topics to talk about, or just as expressing her unhappy and anger, but I guess maybe that's a kind of loneliness inside of herself maybe, I don't know, maybe even is just hate me, haha

but as I said I am that type of person who dont' reli care about how people look at me, even if this group of fd hate me, it's fine for me, I will just leave the group simply will not feel so sad, at least in this group I still have 2 male fds who are like brothers and still have our 'chicken eating night'

if I reli want I can do many things for revenge, I reli thought of it, but don't know isn't because of my own personality or what, I will not carry out my plan, and I when I am angry I can be blinded by my anger easily

luckily I hate the feeling of anger specially hate a person will make me so tired, otherwise with my anger I also dont' knwo what will happen, but because of my anger I did sth stupid which I never do I block that specific person in facebook and MSN, haha, but nvm, I will add her back but probably fdship will not be as close as before, since I can't reli believe that person easily at the time being

I am a stuborn person I will not change my character for peopel easily, even include my parents, I say things directly, if that make people uncomfortable, I welcome people who I thought is friend leave me, becuase can just say I don't like wasting time on thinking of example or think about a softer way on tihngs, I like tihngs to be straightforward, specially to people who I care, to peopel who I don't care or don't even know I will prefer saying some rubbish or even dont' say a word

however dont' know start from when, I care less about others feelings, actually I understand her that she just want some care from fds, since she can't find a lot from her family, y didn't I think of this before? old la, forget the old tricks la maybe, actually I should say a word of sorry to her for not caring about her feeling and also kind of hurting her with words

but at least there are 3 things that made me happier

1. the girl I liked before cherry ko, I worried about her for like so long, know she went to hospital and when call her no one listen but now know that she is alright, I feel a lot relax and better

2. I kind of guess out this will happen so did sth to reduce the damage it brings which is totally a success

3. one of my best fd, viola she typed xanga and remind me of sth that i told her before, sth that u can't change even u think then y u need to be sad unhappy and stuck by it? no matter what u think u can't change anything then y don't treat thing easily and happily, there's always ways out

好痛苦, 原先在心中的熱情在這一週直線減退, 說的話不被接受或重視, 甚至無人理會, 被無視, 心開始死了

開始不想再說話, 不想再想

可能孤獨就是我的本性, 更適合我吧

am I reli so serious? am I reli consider too much?

and all of these making me have such negative feeling and not fit in any groups

ya maybe that's reli correct, sometimes y do I reli that serious to thing and tihnk that much, consider that much? maybe because I don't trust any people, I only trust myself and just think about myself as a selfish person, if in history I am those silly king who may kill lots of people who listen to me and causing the kindom come to the end

maybe I reli release so much and I think I need to control back my emotion and my actions not to occupy that much and to be so tough and powerful in front of people, to hide my selfishness again

debate reli make me learn a lot, specially from my grandpa in debate team, I learn lots of thinking from him and becasue of him, my brain which is full of grass become a little faster, however I still ahve a long way to go, and in my eyes, I reli don't tihnk that I have talent and kind of have a feeling that I am reli reli weak, when compare to my 2 brothers I am just nth haha, just have little sense

but I am happy that at lesat 2 of my brothers in the team reli has a lot of talent, one is reli fast and reli good another one is full of potential in logic and mind setting, they reli can be the light of the future

as a family, reli happy for them XDDD

recently I am also kind of confuse about my feelings, before I has a feeling of want to give up on the girl who I like now, and recently many peopel say that I seems like another girl and seems have chance, so I also dont' know, I don't want to change that easily, I reli don't know

can jsut say such tihngs not suitable for me 

made a chocolate cheese cake today, not as difficult as I tihnk wor