evil_brian_lee's Xanga

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 04:10:27 GMT

today after seeing sth, seems I am quite sure about my own feeling now, because kind of feel my emotoin and clear about sth within me and understand sth, now have one more thing away from my mind quite good, haha, just a feeling of best fd, after making this clear feel more better, and more sure about feeling to another one

normally when I see sth I will be quite emotional and react quite horribly but nth special feeling this time

so now so far 2 things totally out of my mind one if a club another one is the thing that I wonder recently

care less, is a good thing,

ignore conflicts that none of my business which people believe things wrongly,

ignore those who can't see the truth,

ignore those who believe in rumors,

ignore those who just look at short term,

ignore those who spread rumors

and

ignore those those who judge people by apperance

can say I am hiding from things but it will just make my situation even worse, so I prefer to have my heart dead and make the conflict to be the less, anger and revenge, not reli is my style now, was my style long time ago only, now I will jsut choose to ignore

reli tired on those stupid 'wars'

I do things already assume that dont' have any reward, I just do things that I want to do and i tihnk I should do but at last even worse, haha, I get back is to be treated badly by peoplem, that's not the first time and I am quite familiar with the thing already

the first time I maybe sad or unhappy but after several times, that's nth for me anymore

Friday, December 11, 2009

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 05:54:55 GMT

我好累

甚麽也不想去想

我真的身心俱疲了, 好想處於六道之外

是時侯休息, 不再說話, 不再去看, 不再去想, 做一隻別人說甚麼就做甚麼的綿羊吧

再見了主見, 我的腦袋, 我的好友, 你已夠傷, 為不關你的事夠痛了, 好好地休息吧, 心也為了逃避而關上大門, 口也決定調校至靜音

沉沉的長眠, 一切也與我再無關係

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 04:23:08 GMT

in my life I hate my fds lie to me and betray me

but is that I have too high expectation of my fds? shoudl I not to get angry that easy and control my temper?

a rumor is being spread strongly now on I like a girl, truely speaking I am jsut in a stage of confusion, 3 girls, one girl important for me another one person that I like since high school another girl can say I enjoy talking with her a lot

but sometimes I don't understand what people think, they like imagine and spread things in their brain without any thinking the effect it could bring. When I first sense that and confirm what's going on actually, I really get angry and don't want to talk with that specific person anymore, others say that I dont' reli care but one of my best fd who I thought she is talk about it made me reli angry, and specially knowing the reason for why she spread it

but isn't that a long time I didn't substitute my feeling in others view I forget how's other feel? these 2 days think about it maybe she dont' know what to talk about so just find some topics to talk about, or just as expressing her unhappy and anger, but I guess maybe that's a kind of loneliness inside of herself maybe, I don't know, maybe even is just hate me, haha

but as I said I am that type of person who dont' reli care about how people look at me, even if this group of fd hate me, it's fine for me, I will just leave the group simply will not feel so sad, at least in this group I still have 2 male fds who are like brothers and still have our 'chicken eating night'

if I reli want I can do many things for revenge, I reli thought of it, but don't know isn't because of my own personality or what, I will not carry out my plan, and I when I am angry I can be blinded by my anger easily

luckily I hate the feeling of anger specially hate a person will make me so tired, otherwise with my anger I also dont' knwo what will happen, but because of my anger I did sth stupid which I never do I block that specific person in facebook and MSN, haha, but nvm, I will add her back but probably fdship will not be as close as before, since I can't reli believe that person easily at the time being

I am a stuborn person I will not change my character for peopel easily, even include my parents, I say things directly, if that make people uncomfortable, I welcome people who I thought is friend leave me, becuase can just say I don't like wasting time on thinking of example or think about a softer way on tihngs, I like tihngs to be straightforward, specially to people who I care, to peopel who I don't care or don't even know I will prefer saying some rubbish or even dont' say a word

however dont' know start from when, I care less about others feelings, actually I understand her that she just want some care from fds, since she can't find a lot from her family, y didn't I think of this before? old la, forget the old tricks la maybe, actually I should say a word of sorry to her for not caring about her feeling and also kind of hurting her with words

but at least there are 3 things that made me happier

1. the girl I liked before cherry ko, I worried about her for like so long, know she went to hospital and when call her no one listen but now know that she is alright, I feel a lot relax and better

2. I kind of guess out this will happen so did sth to reduce the damage it brings which is totally a success

3. one of my best fd, viola she typed xanga and remind me of sth that i told her before, sth that u can't change even u think then y u need to be sad unhappy and stuck by it? no matter what u think u can't change anything then y don't treat thing easily and happily, there's always ways out

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 04:34:59 GMT

好痛苦, 原先在心中的熱情在這一週直線減退, 說的話不被接受或重視, 甚至無人理會, 被無視, 心開始死了

開始不想再說話, 不想再想

可能孤獨就是我的本性, 更適合我吧

Friday, November 13, 2009

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 06:16:33 GMT

am I reli so serious? am I reli consider too much?

and all of these making me have such negative feeling and not fit in any groups

ya maybe that's reli correct, sometimes y do I reli that serious to thing and tihnk that much, consider that much? maybe because I don't trust any people, I only trust myself and just think about myself as a selfish person, if in history I am those silly king who may kill lots of people who listen to me and causing the kindom come to the end

maybe I reli release so much and I think I need to control back my emotion and my actions not to occupy that much and to be so tough and powerful in front of people, to hide my selfishness again

debate reli make me learn a lot, specially from my grandpa in debate team, I learn lots of thinking from him and becasue of him, my brain which is full of grass become a little faster, however I still ahve a long way to go, and in my eyes, I reli don't tihnk that I have talent and kind of have a feeling that I am reli reli weak, when compare to my 2 brothers I am just nth haha, just have little sense

but I am happy that at lesat 2 of my brothers in the team reli has a lot of talent, one is reli fast and reli good another one is full of potential in logic and mind setting, they reli can be the light of the future

as a family, reli happy for them XDDD

recently I am also kind of confuse about my feelings, before I has a feeling of want to give up on the girl who I like now, and recently many peopel say that I seems like another girl and seems have chance, so I also dont' know, I don't want to change that easily, I reli don't know

can jsut say such tihngs not suitable for me

made a chocolate cheese cake today, not as difficult as I tihnk wor

Friday, October 30, 2009

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 06:49:06 GMT

近來有不少的煩惱, 不管是自己的還是別人的都使我有一種好大的壓迫感, 透不過氣來, 也使自己的頭頗痛

但今天還是很高興的, 有很多朋友跟我這閒人度過我這二十出頭的生日, 十分感謝各位朋友生日快樂的祝福以及大家的心意這使我這心灰意冷的心感受到一陣暖意, 有一種温暖的感覺去溶掉因看化世事而在心中所結的一層冰, 使那將近凍僵了的心綬緩的回復脈搏, 恢復那失去已久情感上的跳動, 有一絲的感動, , 一種久違了的感覺

可能已愛上我那堆相識不久的 '最佳好友' 以及中辯那像家庭一般的隊伍吧, 才能把這些噁心的說話以文字形式表達出來

近日跟一友人訴談心事, 罕有地發現一位明白我的想法, 能透徹地分析我性格的前輩, 他看人之準確度連我自己也覺得望塵莫及, 使我更尊敬他, 認真地說, 除了自己以外, 他是我遇到的人中第一個可透徹地分析別人性格的人

心中已失去的火不知是否因着友人之言語所影響而醒覺, 被喚醒, 正慢慢的燃燒起來, 連自己看照片時也開始看見相中自己眼中所透露的 '光' 和 '氣', 這些在近三年已在相中消失的特質竟突然的重現, 這又昰否一件好事呢?

我應否去適放心中那可能會惹人討厩的自己,不再顧慮那麼多, 讓那火去燃燒呢? 連我自己也不知道

當局者迷, 旁觀者清, 只怕要知道這問題的答案還需要一段的時間去慢慢發挖了...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:58:32 GMT

being supressed too much even lost own character...........

however one thing made me quite angry recently

all because of a cat

I hate selfish people for just do things for their own, tihnk of their own benefit but not others, a cat is also a life, it is not just a pillow for hugging and stuffs, it is a life which actually should be respected

how can there be some people not feeding the animal for like 3 weeks and the cat which is a pet is like so thin just like a cat walk by in the street?

y there are always such kind of person in the world and the worst thing is she not allow other to feed that cat, that's totally make no sense at all

also recently have lots of things to concern and worry about,

tihnking that should I give up and don't tihink of sth anymore, kind of feel that she is hiding fro me now.......

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 02:16:04 GMT

going to uni and start next wed, will live alone near to the uni

new life and new start

today went downtown to the orientation and joined 6 clubs:

Psy (which I don't think have anything to do)

Photoagraphy (may have competition)

Chinese UT newpaper, footprint (quite interested to play that and have some experience)

Chinese debate (interested to argue)

Catholic (since I am)

Christian (being forced to)

tired and don's want to move after that - - + having a headache - -

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 03:59:10 GMT

so unhappy, and cry so hardly

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 22:04:41 GMT

if a dog is running to a cliff, even people try their best to stop it, I still can do nth, actually with such an action, just cause those people who try to stop injure and bleeding becasue the dog will bite the peopel who stop them

no wonder there will have dogs listen and stay

some dogs may stop at the edge of the cliff at last

some dogs maybe lucky saved by trees grow on the cliff

some dogs may fall on some rocks which they can able to stand nut injured when they are on the way falling and dig a hole back to the gound

some dogs are same situation but don't know wt to do and stay on that platform, die because of hunger

some dogs may fall to the ground and dead

for me I am that type of dog which fall on some platfrom and injured, but will dig a hole back to the ground, I learn in this way
maybe because of this, I also try to don't let or stop people walking on the same path as mine before, want to use a small limited hope to change for a larger unlimited hope, some success and some fail, but at least all I tried mmy best, the final decision is not on me and on others

it's reli bad to learn sth after sth bad happen

my sister Jade said that I always care and worry about sth that actually I don't need to care, make myself suffer so mcuh
but if I don't try, that light of hope will be weaken and be digested in the dark which difficult to light up again even the posibility is just 0.1% there is still a chance, at least I try my best, if still can't then I can say nth about itand have no regret